american apparel

This One-Piece Is Bad

This One-Piece Is Bad
Left image via American Apparel, right via Instagram/@emrata.

Summer is over. The bony, trembling fingers of Fall beckon us into the darkness. But People is trying to tell me that “everyone” in Hollywood owns this $45 black nylon tricot high-cut one piece from American Apparel, and I am wondering: why? It’s bad.

The “Frong,” as it is known, has been a Kardashian-inspired Thing for a while. So, too, has this swimsuit specifically:

Sure, it looks good on them. Sure, it looks good on Emily Ratjakowski, who wore it two weeks ago. And fine, it also looked good on Selena Gomez, who wore it last year. That’s not the point. The point is that I hate it.

This swimsuit does not respect your front parts, your side parts, or your back parts. This swimsuit would like for you to be one long, smooth, curvy beach bot. This swimsuit barely tolerates the idea of your vagina—it accepts that you can’t at this point entirely get rid of it, but it would like you to try and stuff it into as small a container as possible. This swimsuit, of course, requires laser hair removal.

I object to this one-piece in the strongest of terms.

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